You vs The Witch Could You Defeat and Survive Her
Modern life is stressful. There’s traffic, pollution, the Kardashians, T-Mobile, and now even a full-blown global pandemic. Forget all that, you’ve decided to travel to the east coast of the United States and join a local community dedicated to living their lives just like their 16th-century pilgrim ancestors. Except for, you know, all that Indian murder business. Yeah… everything except Indian murder. You gotta admit, the simple life is kind of nice after living your whole life in the chaotic, fast-paced modern world.
Then of course there’s that whole business with demons, aliens, Gordon Freeman, and 80s action movie stars you’ve accidentally wandered into deathmatches with. Oh, and multiple ex-girlfriends who… well, you know what, new 16th-century life, new you. Everything’s going honky dory with your new pilgrim life and you’ve finally started to get the hang of all those ‘thees’ and ‘thous’, when suddenly, a teenage girl runs screaming into the village.
The baby she was just playing peekaboo with disappeared, like from right in front of her own eyes. The townspeople gasp in horror, it must’ve been a wolf!, many claim, but you narrow your eyes because you’re pretty sure you know better. That night you stumble across two small children having a full-blown conversation with a black billy goat and you realize, yep, you definitely do know better. ‘Twas no foul wolven that spirited yonder childer away, ‘was a witch! Or… v-v-itch. So you decided to leave your stressful modern life behind and seek out the solitude and honest living of 16th century America, except your past of fighting demons and all matter of evils has once again caught up with you and now you’re facing a witch.
How are you going to defeat her? To defeat your enemy, you must know your enemy, and you’ve never faced an enemy quite like this because you’re not dealing with one witch, but rather an entire coven. While one witch is powerful, only a coven could conjure the demonic power necessary for terrorizing an entire village, and now it’s up to you to stop them. First, forget what you’ve read on some goth emo punk’s Livejournal page about witchcraft, or seen on their youtube channel. These witches are the real deal, less interested in casting love or good luck spells, and more interested in grinding unbaptized babies into paste to make flying potions.
Yeah, we told you, these witches are pretty hardcore. Ancient witches would often be recruited by the devil from amongst the outcasts of a society, and our ancient societies left a lot of room for women to feel like outcasts. From not being allowed to own property, work without their husband’s approval, choose who they marry, or have a single independent thought, many women felt ostracized by an overbearingly patriarchal society. This led some to turn to the dark master, offering their souls in exchange for the power to liberate themselves from society or in some cases, seek revenge against it. Some male witches did in fact exist, but the profession mostly attracted women.
Often, innocent women were accused of being witches, if for instance they happened to be discovered doing math, or wearing pants. Math and pants-wearing were sure-fire signs of the devil’s influence, and it was the bonfire for those women. Meanwhile, real witches terrorized the countryside, flying across the moonlit night sky doing algebra and calculus on the devil’s back. Despite there not being a single mention of the need to hunt down and kill witches by Jesus, Christians nevertheless decided that the witch problem was something Jesus must have absentmindedly forgot to mention, and took to the killing and burning of women with gusto, loudly proclaiming their faith as they did so. It was believed that one sure-fire way to spot a witch- other than math and pants- was to have the suspect recite the Lord’s Prayer, as it was believed that the devil which resided in them would not allow them to do so. Another way of spotting a witch was to simply weigh them against the weight of a bible, as it was believed witches had no soul and thus would weigh less than a bible- in the Netherlands you could even be officially weighed and get a certificate proving you were not a witch.
Yet another popular way of spotting witches was to throw them into the water with a rope attached to them- as the water would reject their wickedness, witches would float while the innocent would sink. Literally all of those things are the height of human stupidity, because our ancestors were such idiots it’s a wonder they stuck around long enough to have us. So forget all of that, because spotting areal witch isn’t nearly as easy. If you want to eliminate the witch haunting your quaint village, you’re going to have to do some old-fashioned detective work.
Establishing an alibi for each villager during any sudden disappearances will start to give you a clue of which individuals seem to be always missing when something witchy goes down, and is probably a more reliable method than weighing someone against a book. But your investigations are no doubt going to make you a target, so you best be ready to defend yourself from witchy\ attacks.
Protection starts at home, and so should your defenses. Witches aren’t demons or evil apparitions, so while holy water seems like it would do the trick, it’s actually completely useless against a witch- as the witch is still human. However, holy water might be beneficial to use against some of her evil summons, if she happens to set loose demons or other terrors against you, so don’t throw it out of your toolkit just yet. A better way to protect your home through is simple tabletop salt. Jesus said that believers are the “salt of the earth”, which might sound weird to a modern audience as most people know that if you salt a patch of earth, it pretty much destroys its ability to grow crops.
Well, back in Jesus’s day, salt was pretty much the most amazing thing in the world, and absolutely necessary for human civilization. Salt was used not just to flavor things, but also as medicine, though its single most important use, and a possible reason why human civilization was even possible in the first place, was as a preservative. Salting food allowed you to store it for extremely long amounts of time, and killed any harmful bacteria or molds that tried to grow on it.
It was the only way humans could survive long winters without resorting to a hunter-gatherer lifestyle. Without salt, civilization simply Wouldnt have been possible. Oh, and without salt in your body, the electrical signals that keep you alive would fail to transmit and you’d be dead as a doornail. Thus, it makes sense why Jesus made a pretty big deal out of salt. Because of salt’s life-giving properties, it makes an excellent tool forwarding oneself from the evil magic and influence of witches. You can create barriers around your house by forming a ring of salt around it, a witch’s magic will fail to penetrate this protective layer of salty goodness.
Yet salt has another use in combating witches, and it’s for use against her minions. Most witches are able to call upon demons, familiars, and even the undead to torment and attack their victims, and salt can help you destroy these evil aberrations. Wiping salt on a sword or ax will empower against evil, causing the wounds it delivers to be impossible to regenerate. However, a proper weapon for witch destruction is also vital.
This is the 16th century, so forget about high power weaponry- most muskets back then were so terrible they were just as likely to blow up in your face as to actually hit what you were aiming at. You need something a bit more… personal. Witches often had the ability to resist damage caused by blades and hammers, empowering their bodies with devil magic and causing their skin to toughen like a beast’s hide. One thing evil magic cannot protect from thoughts of cold iron. No, we’re not saying stick an iron sword into a refrigerator before you go witch hunting, cold iron refers to a very specific, and raceway of forging.
In cold forging, a metal is never heated until it’s glowing red hot and then hammered into shape, as you’ve no doubt seen in countless fantasy films. Instead, metal is beaten into shape while completely unheated, using nothing but raw human strength- or in the modern world, a mechanical press. Lacking modern manufacturing equipment, you’re going to need to find a piece of iron and start hammering it into shape- and we hope you’re in really good shape because you’re going to be working on that thing for days. Seriously, it’s stupid hard to make a sword out of unheated iron.
But all that sweating and beating on iron is going to pay off in spades when you’ve got yourself a weapon no evil can protect from. Now rub some salt on that bad boy and you’re ready to take on hordes of witches. Well, almost, because you’re still vulnerable to a witch’s hexes, and if you’re trying to kill a coven of witches you can be sure you’re going to get hexed, like a lot. So it’s time to once again turn to cutting-edge 16th-century science and protect yourself from witch hexes- with pee. Find yourself a small bottle, and then fill that bottle with nails, some bent pins, a pinch or two of hair, and a whole lot of urine, then wear that bad boy around your neck.
We know what you’re thinking- ew gross, I’m not wearing a bottle of pee around my neck. Well, enjoy your new life as a polymorphed pig, because if you don’t wear pee around your neck you’re gonna get hexed. Now, the science of this is simple. The bottle itself represents the bladder of a witch, and when she attempts to place a hex on you, then her own bladder will suddenly feel as if it’s filled with sharp nails and bent pins, because science. Witches have become brides of the devil, and as thus have lost their ability to have children of their own- which explains why they’re always doing real witchy things like stealing children. When they’re not busy grinding them into potions, some witches will steal a child in order to raise it as a new witch.
However, their inability to have children makes them vulnerable to the blood of women who can. Menstrual blood is an effective tool in combating witch. We could break it down for you, but the science is pretty solid on this one. Menstrual blood = bad day for a witch, so find a local woman who’s Aunt Flo is in town and get her to fill up a jar for you, you know, just for emergencies. But wait, because you’re definitely not dressed for witch battle. Centuries of witch science have brought humanity the most cutting edge anti-witch technology and methodology for protecting one’s self from their evil attacks. Before riding into battle with a coven of witches, there’s one thing you need to do to protect yourself from evil magic, and that’s to turn your underwear inside out.
You can wear outer garments inside out as well if you wish, but most witch hunters stick to the tried and true method of simply wearing their underwear inside out to repel magical attacks, once more because of science. Alright, you’ve got your salted, cold iron forged blade. You’re wearing a jar of pee around your neck, and you’ve no fool, so you’ve turned your underwear inside out. For emergencies, you have a vial of period blood. That’s it, you’re the ultimate witch-killing badass, and the single witch or coven-full of witches, you’re ready to take on the blackheart of hell itself.
Now go forth and do righteous battle, confident in your holy protection of urine jar and inside out underwear. Bring peace to the land once more, and remember, if you doubt if someone is a witch or not, you can always throw them in water and see if they float. Or just have them do the math, if a woman can do math, she’s a witch! Hey, this isn’t your first round going up against witches though.
You vs The Witch Could You Defeat and Survive Her